I’m confused. I don’t know whose brain is having the most trouble any more – mine or his. Is he getting better? Sometimes I think so but it’s never clear enough for me to start treating him like he’s becoming more capable. And I think that’s making him angry, in a very suppressed, passive aggressive way. It’s not very much fun.
Our special station is TBN, Trinity Broadcasting Network. There are some very good shows on it and I love seeing what is going on in the world with missions and Christian initiative. But it’s on almost all our waking hours and probably 80% of it is preaching, one speaker after another. You know that cadence of voice that is associated with preaching – yeah, that’s it. Almost all of them talk that way, and I say “talk” in a general way because a lot of the time it’s yelling. There’s always some man on a stage yelling at a huge auditorium full of people. I don’t feel like I’m getting more of God via TBN. I feel like I’m getting more of preachers.
Another thing that they all do is ask for money to sustain their ministry. Of course, they have bills, and they are doing work for God. The husband is very soft-hearted and convicted by all the yelling. He wants to give them money, maybe not all of them, but often. He’s been watching them for months, knows their jokes, their speaking habits, what their wives look like and how many children they have. They are his friends so when they ask, he wants to respond.
Just today he told me he really wanted to get a certain book, which comes with a $40 donation. Another preacher talks about how he has a habit of carrying hundred dollar bills around and handing them out when the Lord tells him to. The husband would love to be that man. He doesn’t carry money in his wallet any more and I wonder if he’s subconsciously afraid he might give it all away if he did.
Not too long ago, in his musing about how wonderful it would be when he got well, he mentioned that it would be so much fun to go to the store and buy something himself. I reminded him he had a credit card in his wallet and could do that now if he wanted to. He seemed surprised.
He kind of thinks he will be well this summer and should be able to ride his bike. It must be hard to have such high expectations and not be able to see more progress toward reaching them. Personally, I think he expects too much since he stopped riding bike even before he was diagnosed with Lewy Body. And how many couch potato 74 year old men are riding bikes even if they are well? Not many.
This afternoon he sternly told me that I needed to get Mom to the doctor about pain that she’s having in her legs. He is alarmed and knows what I should be telling her to do – the magnesium thing, still. Magnesium is curing cancer and Mom could have it in her bones. He needs to get the ball rolling by telling me to get on it. Never mind that Mom and I talk over her condition and options pretty much every morning. I’ve been helping her with all her medical decisions and know what she wants. I’ve also been doing the same for my aunt, oh and for him, the husband, as well. But I am too slow now and need to be told what to do for her.
I was irritated and didn’t give him the response he wanted. He is irritated and grouchy. I know he feels like I don’t take him seriously. It’s true, I don’t. But I kind of have to act like I do and then explain to him why I’m not hopping immediately to do his bidding. It’s just confusing. This guy is so much like my husband, but he doesn’t do any of the things a husband does.
And since I can’t take the steady dose of Godly teaching from our “special station” and retreat to my room instead, I guess that makes me more toward the pagan end of the spectrum than he is. That feels a bit uncomfortable, that and a lot of other things…
3 thoughts on “Our “Special” Station”
My dear friend,
Your blog reminded me of one of “My Utmost for His Highest” daily devotion. I quote: “We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises – human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the strain and the stress magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God – but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people – and this is not learned in an instant.”
…. and you are exceptional in what you are doing, with Dennis, with your mom, with your aunt and uncle, and with your sister in law to cite a few. Be of good courage!
With much love,
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Such a good quote and encouraging for all of us who do the “little” things of life. Did you know that one of your jobs was encouraging me? It seems so to me. I have not found anyone here who takes your place at all. Thank you Arlette!
You are sweet! Thank you for your kind words!